Lo and behold, the topic of the millennia. There’s an issue that must be addressed, an issue that is evidently plaguing the diplomacy of our highways. You see, I’m not speaking about degenerates who shouldn’t have licenses. I’m speaking about degenerates who do have licenses. I call them 'Bootlickers' or, more candidly,  ‘Human Traffickers’.

For a century now, the ripping roars of motorcycle exhaust pipes have traversed throughout the states and around the globe. From the daredevils to the outlaws to the rigid-riders and so on, motorcycle riding remains a cornerstone of American culture. Yet, there is an issue to discuss regarding bikers. And not only will I articulate it, but I’ll tell it to you straight. Riders have opened up the floodgates for a new wave of degeneracy into the world. A new wave of bootlickers and minions that want one thing and one thing only — the approval of thumbs. 

Have you ever experienced the phenomenon of a biker who gives a thumbs-up to a driver who had the decency of clearing some space for them to pass between lanes? You ever think to yourself, “Hmm. Thumbs-up would be nice.” Well, I sure have. I made it a small goal of mine to receive a thumbs-up from a biker, and when the day finally came to fulfill it, I was ready.

It was a Tuesday evening. The sun was setting and the air was crisp. I was about ten minutes from home and cruising at seventy when I glanced at the rear-view mirror. A Harley quickly approached and, out of common courtesy, I ever-so-subtly shifted the steering wheel left to create enough space for the rider to pass with ease. I did everything just as I planned, right down to a T. But, to my misfortune, the rider drove right past without acknowledging the gesture with an honorable thumbs-up. It was a real kick in the shin if I’m being honest. I thought maybe he might’ve been distracted, or maybe I didn’t allow for enough space — until it happened. A Ford F-150 that was ahead of me RIPPED hard and fast to the left, almost losing traction and flipping over to its side at the expense of the rider. The F-150 was practically grazing against the center divider and, to my horror, the rider bestowed the driver with a thumbs-up. I couldn't believe my eyes. It all hit me so fast — confusion, anger, feelings of betrayal began to sink in. I didn’t understand. Why the F-150? Why not me? It’s a silly thing to evaluate, really. But, in the moment as it was all unfolding, I was devastated. “Tough times build character” is what they say, right? It was a tough time alright. But, from there on out, I made it my number one priority to conduct a study, firsthand, into why some are rewarded with the approval of a thumb while others (who gracefully do the same exact thing) are overlooked.

I conducted three studies. “The Trial of the Elusive Thumb” is what I called it. Here’s what I found:

The thumb does in fact make a conscious decision on who it favors, but here’s the thing. The thumb doesn’t discriminate. Nor does it judge based on the make or model of your vehicle. This act of profound absurdity isn’t a matter of civility. It’s a matter of bootlicking. A matter of human traffickers who are willing to put their lives on the line for the approval of the thumb; those who are willing to YANK their steering wheels left, nearly causing a mayhem of collisions on the highway. It's preposterous. Think of bootlickers in terms of teacher’s pets. Nobody likes them, but we’re not really sure why we don’t like them. All we know is that they both exude a desperate, constant seek of approval from others, but is that reasonable justification to regard another being with such contempt? Yes, absolutely. These grounds are completely justified. A bad omen is a bad omen for a reason. The same is true for bad rep. If you’re curious, I’ve put together a list of ways bootlickers have been able to get the attention of persistent thumbs. But, before I reveal this list, I’d like to conclude with one last statement — 

My dealing with thumbs and bootlickers was initially a personal one. It grew out of envy, resentment, and quite honestly, jealousy. Although I continue to satirize the continued buffoonery of thumbs and their loyal bootlickers, I have matured in the sense that I no longer carry on with the need of acknowledgement from the thumbs of bike riders. That being said, here is the list I’ve compiled of the various methods by which the bootlickers petition the thumb:

1. Assume the forward-bend position.

End list.

                                                                                                 Feb. 2nd, 2026