Ah, yes. The esteemed hot dog. The Pork-Link. The Artisan Frank. The Wiener. Or, as the younger generation has stamped it — The Glizzy. There’s a question that everyone under the sun has been asking —

“What is happening to our beloved hot dog?”

Well, I, the foreseer, am present to say hear ye, hear ye.. you shall look no further for the answer you seek. The hot dog indeed has been a staple of American culture for over a century now. From the bleachers of baseball fields to the smoke-soft air of backyard barbecues, the Germans really know how to craft a hit, don’t they? 

But, as with everything in life, all good things must come to an end. I could shed a tear at the thought of it — the extinction of our beloved hot dog — and although I wish such an atrocity weren’t true, I’m afraid that the hot dog is closing in on its last grill. Now, this might come off as a wisecrack, or a silly gag to those who are noncommittal to hot dogs, but make no mistake, this is a crisis one dare not  make a mockery of. So, that said, let's really assess the situation at hand here and break down whether or not the drastic decline of hot dog consumption can be reversed.

For starters, let’s look at what I believe is the root of our dog problem, and probably the most important. Unfortunately, we live in an age of aesthetic obsession — in an age where our eyes eat before our mouths do, and quite frankly, the sad truth of it all is that a flesh-colored wiener jammed into a wrinkled bun is no match for a medium-rare, Beef Wellington steak. It is seen as an embarrassment, a visual offense to modern society standards. But why? I myself enjoy a good Wellington. There’s no doubt about that. But, from time to time, I can also appreciate the flesh tone of a glistening, steamy Frankfurt covered in mayonnaise, ketchup, relish and chopped onions. I can practically hear the war cries of American soldiers from the Civil War as I bite down and swallow my dog, really relishing the taste of the American spirit. My question to those who no longer accept the hot dog is — why are we body shaming the dog? What ever happened to, “it’s not what’s on the outside, but what’s on the inside that matters?" Or does that only apply to Johnsonville hot link sausages? Listen, the argument here is not to persuade the hot dog abandoner to revert back to eating them. Instead, it’s to bring awareness to the absurdity of body shaming food. 

I’ve done some research in the last 48 hours and have found that the consumption of hot dogs in the past year and a half has seen a steep decline of about 17%. Not good. At this pace, I've predicted that the educational system will implement the lecturing of the history of hot dogs to our children in the next decade or so, and the impact it had on American culture for as long as it did. Not only is that deeply infuriating, but it is also incredibly saddening. If I’m being brutally honest, I’m not really sure if there is a way to reverse the damage we’ve collectively done to the heart and soul of America. I want to believe it’s possible, that the wiener can make its way back into the mouths of the American people, but the demand for dogs just isn’t quite there as it used to be.

But, where there's a will, there's a way.

My proposal? Change all product description’s from “Hot Dogs” to “Glizzy’s” on the packaging of all Frankfurt wieners. Not only will that spark a new interest for hot dogs amongst the younger generation, and not only will profit's skyrocket into the goddamn stratosphere, but above all, and most importantly, it will revive the hot dog into a new age of relevancy that will undoubtedly carry itself henceforth and forevermore.

                                                                                             Jan. 31st, 2026